Now Husband,
Please don’t judge me for having a life changing realisation learned from watching a completely engrossing and somewhat overly-dramatic tv series. I believe in giving credit where credit is due, so I’m not going to pretend that an intentionally scripted line didn’t cement something that has seemed a little elusive to my understanding of what I seek in a life partner.
I know why I’d marry you.
Yesterday Dibs and I had lunch, and as always we discussed (debated would be more accurate as we often seem to come from such different perspectives) love. Well we didn’t really talk about love directly, we spoke about how we each thought our relationships would need to be to keep us interested and committed for years. And although I have the capacity to know that Dibs is a separate person from me, after leaving lunch with him I argued in my mind with his vision of a love relationship. I wasn’t thrown by his connection to his own needs and fantasies as much as I was thrown my mine. I suddenly couldn’t put into words an argument for what or even why I would want a relationship to be a certain way, what my life partner would need to be like or allow me to be because everything that came out of either of our mouths was so obviously hypothetical to me. I didn’t argue for love, for consistency, for freedom, individuality or commitment. And I couldn’t take a stance against his theory that there will be a level of hate and resentment where there is love. Which in itself is miraculous because I can give a five minute monolog without taking a breathe on how peaks and troughs of apparent love and hate has nothing to do with actual love but is co-dependency and the need for drama coupled with projection and the misplacement of need dressed up as love. No, I didn’t. I wasn’t even disappointed that someone who I have much love for wasn’t necessarily seeking happiness for himself in a long term relationship.
I have been very busy lately, so I continued my busy day, and the conversation with Dibs, even though he wasn’t actually a fellow converser or even physically present, for the rest of yesterday and even returned to it for split moments through today. My perplection (sorry, for making up my own word, but the dictionary or at least my spell check should consider some expansion) had nothing to do with my good mates view on love, it had to do with all the theories we have on relationships, which is completely useless when looking back honestly on past times of love. None of mine has been check-list relationships and they’ve been satisfying, loving, fun and well, perfect for that time. None of them happened because I knew what I wanted and was ready for a relationship. And none of them ended because my partner stifled or disappointed my vision of love. So, very untrue to my character, I found myself at a loss for words discussing one of my favourite topics...love.
I had a great day, in fact I’ve had a great week because I am realising a dream as it is unfolding and every moment is delicious, every moment is allowed to be celebrated because it is the most thrilling journey to be in! I have been sleeping less than I think I’ve ever slept, because I’ve never felt this alive, or this connected with my life. The more in life I am, the harder I am finding it to talk about life because words fall short, thoughts are laboursome because you can only express one at a time and keeping quiet and feeling each minute unfold into exponential power is something I don’t mind not having to describe to anyone else. I just smile a lot. So when talking on a beautiful level is what I love best, it was a little strange to find the thought of contemplating how love would need to be in future to keep our attention, pointless. Not to be confused with useless thought, because our lunchtime ‘relationship’ conversation added a fascinating dimension to my client session after lunch. I didn’t sit with a fantasy or opinion on love, which ironically helped my client clarify so much in her relationship, and I still have no idea how she got there from our chat...but she did. Thank you Providence!
After a day of pretty hard physical labour, I copped out of a social arrangement for a night of mind-numbing American drama, only to get an answer to the question running around backstage for the past 30 hours. I’m not going to marry you because you are financially stable, well-read, fit, non-addicted etcetera, etcetera. I’m not going to love you for being romantic and genius at being completely in sync with me. In fact my decision to couple with you is going to come from a place that has little to do with me, though I can’t deny that I will benefit greatly from it.
I will marry you, because you like who you are.
X
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