Hi Hon,
So I survived Valentine’s day, it wasn’t too bad once I resolved not to listen to the radio for the day so I wasn’t privy to strangers publically describing their romantic lives. I know it’s a bit pathetic for a woman of my calibre to be jealous of strangers, it should be beyond me right? I got wished happy Valentine’s day though by three little boys, in fact they made me a book mark, which really warmed my heart that they know how much I love reading. It’s one of those wooded sticks the doctor uses to check out your red tonsils, with a heart stuck to the top. It’s very sweet and it will last longer than a card they might have made for me, that I’d probably use as a book mark which would probably fall in the bath when I was reading and get thrown away a lot sooner than my designer hand-made book mark. Our gardener was the first to wish me happy Valentine’s day, and then our local coffee shop owner, who C, the other founder of the Baby House and I frequent for the great coffee and free wi-fi. So it was a nice day, just because it was a nice day.
This morning as I was awakening a got a whisper in my ear. I’m not sure what else to call the insights I get at that time of day, a message from a part of me that isn’t my mind, but that I hear anyway? Call it what you like, but the quality of these whispers are different to ‘an idea’ or ‘a plan’. They normally have a sense of being quite profound mixed with a ‘use it don’t use it’ kind of a vibe. I’m not explaining it well, which doesn’t reduce any relevance, so I’ll get on with my point. The whisper was that if I saw myself as divine, I’d be able to accept another loving me with all their being. Like I said, profound! Because I was still awakening my monkey mind didn’t even argue, my planner didn’t exalt with satisfaction for receiving the answer, I merely continued waking up.
Then in the shower I asked the ethers to illuminate the invisible cloak around me. Oh wait a sec, before I got out of bed I pondered the thought that I’m not inherently undesirable, but that I have many thoughts that make me believe I’m undesirable. In some way this settled my ‘waiting for you’ feeling because I knew in that moment that essentially I am ok, and I’ll get to you some day. So back to the shower, I asked the ethers for guidance. That’s the way I roll. When I’m seeking something, anything, I ask for it to come my way. Most of the guidance comes to me, and in many cases it is people or through people that I am granted the answers I seek. Like with setting up the Baby House, everything we’ve realised we need access to like a lawyer, an accountant, information around a thousand details have come to us once we’ve said...”This is what we need”. It really is fun love and this is a large part of what adds to my aliveness and mover-shaker energy. The unanswered requests are the ones that I think I have an opinion about their level of difficulty in manifesting. Like you and money for my personal life. Both of which we have introduced and will get back to many times in this conversation, but I digress.
So I asked for insight into all the thoughts that hold me back from a loving relationship. Whilst washing my hair I thought of how painful it will be when my folks died. I’m not scared of my own death, I think. But I’m fearful of other’s leaving. In that moment a massive fear came up. I’m scared of you dying, I’m scared of being left...before I’ve even met you! Now I know I’ve had this thought before, but a different perspective came through this very morning. Accompanying that thought was a memory of something I’d read recently, that our fear of death reveals our fear of life. The significance of remembering that showed me the fabric of my invisible cloak. You see, I think my biggest fear came true nearly ten years ago. Or perhaps it’s become a fear because it was such a massive pain. You see in high school my focus wasn’t really on boys because I wanted to make sure I gave myself every opportunity to make a good future for myself, one which involved not falling pregnant before I was educated and stable. So when my best friend Mandy and I made a truce in early high school to keep our virginity till we matriculated it was so aligned with my need to keep my future bright and full of opportunities that it was a promise I found easy to keep. My relationship focus in high school was with my best friend and our wider circle of friends, which included my brother and his friends. Mandy and I were very close; we shared our dreams and our day-to-day dramas. We started working in high school which took us out of our non-working friend’s social life of weekend parties and put us in a different social life that involved waitressing and socialising after work with work friends. It gave us the edge in a relatively working/middle class community and together we felt like we were carving one hellava bright future. We had cash saved by the time we finished school to buy out first clap-down set of wheels, we could pay a large portion of our university fees, we could take gap years and backpack all because we started earning money at the age of fifteen.
Nine years and three months ago Mandy committed suicide. My heart literally broke. I didn’t even know it had broken or what a broken heart actually entailed. It wasn’t nights of mellow-dramatically missing an ex-boyfriend. It became fear. Fear of being left. And then it became numb. I can’t be left if I’m numb, I can’t be left if I don’t make plans with anyone, I can’t be left if I never connect with you and dream a future. This experience in the context of many other hurts, I think may have created a significant part of my invisible cloak. Of course my psychologically learned mind would speak differently claiming to have ‘processed’ all that. But the fact that my chest aches when I write this all to you, tells me a different story. It was such a shock when Mandy died, I felt like she hadn’t even given me a clue. How could you share the deepest part of your hearts with each other for more than ten years, through some hectic times, and not know that one of you was planning to die. Just before she died I had my first psychic experience in that I sat next to a man and I ‘saw’ his whole life. Well maybe not his whole life, but I saw themes in his life, blocks, pain he hadn’t processed coupled with his desire to move forward, his hidden talents and possible healing to bridge his current situation with his dreams. This moment was powerful for him and I as I shared with him what I saw. When I walked away I couldn’t feel my feet, I felt as if I was gliding. Now at that time I was three years into my psychology course, I had a psychic experience under my belt, so you could understand my anger and frustration for not even having a hint that Mandy had lost all hope in life and didn’t want to be here anymore. It was easier to go numb. I was devastated.
So I have remained popular and casual in my relationships. I have bazaar back-up plans for any relationship ending. And so that is what I create, a lot of relationships ending and the fear of my family members dying.
Wow! I didn’t expect the conversation to get so deep so quickly. I didn’t realise this all in the shower. I’ve been aware of how I get close, but not close. And how when I’m missing someone who is not here I philosophise it all, but I didn’t expect to feel this much pain in my chest now writing about this all. The thought that triggered this was a frequent thought of what is it that my friends or people in my life feel when they are with me, that makes them want to be with me? Why would someone love me, even when I hold back? I can acknowledge that I give a lot, but it feels like I’m missing something.
Don’t go anywhere, I just want to take this call.
It’s almost silly to have just said that because I wouldn’t say I feel that as a truth all day, every day. True to their make up, the ethers have provided another slant on this all. A friend, who I’ve walked a long journey with as a therapist and a friend has called to let me be the first to know about a rather miraculous situation which has seemed hopeless for the last few months. I’m the first to know because it is confidential and because it is the sum total of everything she believes I’ve taught her about faith, about the fairness in the universe and the power of integrity. I do get close. I in fact get very close and intimate with everyone who is in my life. I have rich relationships and I am important in other people’s lives. I’ve just got to stop telling myself that I’m not and allow myself to burn the plan B for when these people might leave. Easier said than done, but you are now officially welcome into my life, even if you should decide one day that you need to leave.
I’m humbled by this moment. I’ve always known that everything I want is right here, I just need to drop a belief and I’ll see it. Are you right here? Are you already in my life and I just can’t see you?
Love your wife.
