To My Future Husband- Letter8

Morning love,

Happy Valentine’s day darling! You see, I can get into the spirit of things if I don’t feel excluded.  When I was in high school I felt excluded.  We had a fundraiser every Valentines where you could buy roses and chocolates and send them anonymously.  The morning of February fourteenth started with the teacher handing out these private orders and it was for the whole class to see who were the most coveted students, you know...in that way.  Don’t get me wrong, I was popular, and because of the adolescent age a little feared by the socially inept because of my popularity, but my popularity was platonic, not romantic.  And once again, because of the adolescent age, it made me feel like I was good enough for a friend, a leader and a good party, but not as a girl friend.  I suppose some night these days I still feel that when I fill the space next to me in bed with pillows so that my bed doesn’t feel empty.  Or when I sleep next to a guy friend and I say “No funny business” and they actually don’t even try any funny business.  In high school I’d get one or two roses or chocolates from either a guy friend, or a guy who felt so out of my league (you know how hierarchical high school socialising is.) that it had to be anonymous otherwise he’d suffer humiliation for making such a ridiculous gesture from my guy friends or brothers. 

Now at this stage of my life nothing much has changed.  I’m a sort after friend by women and men, and a stalked lover, by well people that would stalk.  I try not to go to that place in my monkey mind that says I have an invisible cloak around me that doesn’t allow someone like you in.  And because I’m at this stage in my life and I have good insight to my monkey mind I can’t blame it on the external factors in my life because I’ve had times when my body was in good shape for years, as was my bank account.  These coincided with happy days and a trendy hair style and I still didn’t attract you to my honey pot.  So I’m left with two options it seems, either you are exactly where you need to be, and it is just a matter of time before we meet and make a happy couple who has a happy family.  Or, there is indeed a big sign on my forehead that says ‘Stay away from this chick’.  Because I’m in a good mood and it’s not bleak-week, I’m going to choose the former and try to celebrate all the tokens of love I’m bound to see today, knowing that one day we’ll be a part of this day that very publically and somewhat ostentatiously celebrates romantic love.

Happy Valentines love!