Hello Husband,
I do like weekends like this...of the lazy variety! I seem to get the things done that fill my heart, but aren’t on a ‘have to’ list. Plus I’ve put a concerted effort into starting my eating plan even though it will only get emailed to me next week. I can be like that, once I make up my mind about something I tend to start straight away. The interview with the nutritionist was interesting and if her perspective is helpful it will be the unanswered questions from last year around why my body suddenly expanded rapidly and my energy dropped lower then what it’s ever been, And it stayed there for a long enough time for me to change possibly everything in my life, except the fundamental-ness of who I am. Dibs, who had been my closest friend went to the UK for 10 months and came home to find me quite different. Calmer, peaceful was the word he used, which was interesting because he already thought I was quite peaceful. He then was privy to my bleak-week in January and I’m sure he’s changed his mind! Anyway, what was interesting about last year is that even though I felt so tired all the time, and slept a fair amount of it, I managed to be productive in retrospect. One would think that nine months spent mainly sleeping would curb a girls output. The difference is I didn’t do anything except the projects close to my heart, and the bare minimum amount of work to prevent any black naming.
There is a lot to be said about doing the things close to one’s heart. Last year gave me a laser sharp perspective on prioritising my energy. It wasn’t my first schedule culling but it was the first time instead of just cutting back, I replaced the useless and mundane with helpful and meaningful. It was my fears that ended up pointing to my deepest beliefs about myself, and they guided me on how to prioritise. One of my fears in that sleepy time was all the socialising I was missing out on would make me a target for gossip. Gossip, which I’ll have you know from this beautiful position of hindsight, never happened. The gossip in my mind was that I was lazy and disinterested. With my weight gain my imaginary gossip extended to my inadequate ability to keep myself together...I was obviously just letting myself go? It was probably one of the most important journeys I could make in my friendships because eventually I had to admit that my monkey mind had a life of its own, based in a bunch of insecurities completely. The truth prevailed through the experience of concerned and sympathetic friends, friends who were able to be more compassionate than I could be to myself. Like any lesson that is challenging, the realisation was acknowledging a truth, though years of the monkey minds work is still being undone today. It’s better though babe and this allows you to come closer to me.
In those hours of tiredness I listened to many wise people on audio book who bring you home over and over again to the simple truths...we are loved. This has never been allowed to permeate my heart unconditionally. I was loved because of what I did, how I did it, how much of it I did, when I did it and to whom it was done. Being sleepy and thus not doing the things I did and relying on others to do the things I should have been doing added up logically in my monkey mind to not being worthy of much. I would never have said this consciously, I would have claimed to be a woman of worth, but I guess worth is not something that you have or not, it is complex, multi-facetted and applicable in every different sphere of life. It was also a leap from conditional worth to unconditional worth. Being a worthy citizen is quite different from knowing yourself as a being of worth. It’s challenging to work with the latter because it just is. My monkey mind screams at explanations like this, how can it just be? The challenge for me has become upside down, in that instead of looking for what makes me worthy, I’m on the look- out for what makes me unworthy. If worth is a given I have to find the thoughts that hide it. It makes for a revealing life journey, a presence every day that brings beauty. It simply hasn’t worked for me to buy into an existence that is unworthy.
I trust that I am worthy of your love darling, I trust that you are exactly where you need to be and I trust that meeting you will be in perfect time. In the meantime, know that you are very loved too!
Love me. X
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