Are you here yet? I’m not good at waiting and I don’t judge myself on this lack of virtue, because I do not stand alone, especially here in my mother city Johannesburg, South Africa. The Impatience Party is well attended and always pumping! I don’t often (barring bleak-week) make my impatience known. Even in a quiet conversation with Spirit I acknowledge that I’m trusting the process albeit uncomfortably. I haven’t enjoyed waiting for you and my children. Well I believe this when I look back, but if I had to add up the moments in the day that felt meaningless because you and the kids will show up in time, there are probably five minutes of everyday. The other twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes I do actually trust the process and I notice what the process is in that moment. Like now, on a not-so-busy day like today, I here Spirit whispering a monolog on owning that the way I do life, relationships, feelings and thoughts, is special. And this specialness needs to be acknowledged by me so that I can proceed. It has been a tough week on some levels, as you know, and this whisper is a relief because it doesn’t only bring news, it takes away the fear. I have not claimed my specialness in this way yet. It’s a deeper sense of self-value, which has got absolutely nothing to do with comparison to others. It’s just about manifesting what I've healed enough to even ask for, I always have a big growth spurt when I pledge with conviction that I will allow some thing new into my life. A precursor to this beautiful moment with the energy of life itself has been this last week, a mental video of all the fears and shitty memories I’ve had playing 24/7 in my hormonally amped psyche. I forget that when so much is migrating through my awareness, that I am acknowledging what is leaving, not what is still ruling my life that I've therapised thoroughly in time gone by. It was just leaving. Thank goodness!
So you are one of the manifestations I declared with clear conviction that I will create in my life, by making space for you in my heart, that as I’ve seen, carries much fear. It’s not fear that can dominate my belief in life anymore, it’s fear from things that have already happened because at that time in my life I didn’t have the capacity to experience them any differently. I’m not sure if it’s bad luck to tell anyone what your New Years wish is? Yeah, I’m past resolutions, I’m about wishes at this stage of my life. I agreed to living a with lightness, lightness on every level of my life. And because I asked for this I will let every moment of this year be a step to that wish unfolding, even if it looks nothing like it.
See you later. X
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