To my future Husband - Letter13

Hello my husband,
Wouldn’t it be nice if you were here with me now?  Yes, it would indeed! It’s a rainy Sunday night before a public holiday so chillaxing is in the air. I know it’s been a while since I’ve connected with you and so there is much to reveal as it has not been times of idleness. Oh no, by now you must know that when I go quiet it is because I’m captivated by the journey I’m on.
It’s obviously been a little rough at times, hence my silence. You’ll realise this about me, when I feel unsure of myself I go into overdrive, only to come out of t realising that overdrive was completely unnecessary and unhelpful.  Mind you, you’re taking your sweet time in coming into my life, so maybe I would have mastered it by then and you’ll just have this perfectly well-lessoned wife at your side...ha!ha!
I love to notice the divine synchronicity in life.  Sometimes it is in the actual moment and sometimes in hindsight.  The more painful lessons to go through are the ones where revelation come after the fact.  But the challenge is nonetheless invigorating because I suppose a part of me always knows that eventually I will see the perfection of the process.  The last couple of weeks I’ve held out for that moment and it was so sweet when it arrived I was moved to tears by the beauty in the way things unfold.
So The Baby House continues to grow step by step.  C & I obviously are witnesses and players in every tasty step of this project because it gives us the energy and sustenance to keep on going.  I realise that we will never quite be able to express to other just how incredible this journey is, but I guess it is for us, to feed us so that we can be who we are and who we will need to be in future.  We already marvel at the divine sequence of events as if we’ve been let into some of the secrets of the world, shown to those who dare to act on their dreams.
We opened our donation lines for financial contributions a week ago, and almost instantly I felt the fear pour into my veins in the chilling, icy way fear takes up residence in one’s whole body.  My anxiety was surrounding the issue of marketing.  We have the vision, we have a house promised to us, we have most of the goods we’ll need to furnish and equip the house, but what we don’t have is the connection and communication with our community. The cunning thing about fear, once again in hind sight, is that it blinds you to any progress or positive input that is actually occurring and holds you ransoms until you have solid evidence that you are once again in safe territory, for me, that is overwhelming confirmation that I am on the right track.  For some reason, when in the grip of fear my default page is perfectionism, which damnit how hard do I need to make life for myself.  I’m grappling with an area of my life that is unfamiliar and I opt for perfection as a source of security??!!? So if I had’ve asked you a week ago “Wouldn’t it be nice if you were here with me now?”  Your response, forgivably would have been “Hell no!” I was a nightmare unto myself.
One of the self help guru’s says that the most intimate relationship you have is with your own thoughts.  This is where my nightmare lay, deep inside of me.  I was trying to reconcile my vision with the reality and the perfectionist voice was translating this into personal lack.  Stubbornness to many voices telling us to just get corporate and international sponsorship, when my vision was that this is a community project and everything we need lies in our community.  Impatience, with my lack of just knowing the language of marketing.   Frustrated, that I didn’t do some formal training in marketing...I mean who tries to even do business without ‘branding’ and ‘marketing’ behind them in this Jo’burg day and age?And the pressure of an imagined time limit.  Despite the fact that between C& I we had accumulated a Public Service announcement from a nation television station; offer to produce from a reputable producer; advice from a marketing director of one of the biggest media companies in our country; and a connection with our local paper to do an advert.  My focus couldn’t see what we were doing was nothing short of amazing and insightful for two people who have never really played the marketing game.  I just felt nauseas and inadequate.  Well the universe had a plan to slap me back into the beautiful truth of our reality, because as sensitive as I can be to the ethers...I was way off track!
So honey, a couple of months ago I felt inspired to paint a picture.  As I do not have a degree in painting, I don’t really consider it anything I’d give up my day job for, but anyway for my own pleasure I painted a picture of an angel looking down and watching.  When I paint I go into a beautiful space and the picture seems to paint itself.  Another reason I don’t take credit for my painting.  This particular painting fills me with a peaceful feeling when I look at it.  I want to hang it above the babies changing compactum in The Baby House when we open. This past Thursday morning when I was getting dressed this picture caught my attention and the overwhelming feeling that the angels are indeed watching, filled me. I took a photo of it with my phone and changed the picture of the incredible orchids that E & I were given on New Years in Thailand with my angel painting. Even thought the nausea from my unconscious, subconscious and very conscious fear had prevented me from feeling any kind of peace or reprieve for the past few days, this picture added an air of willingness to allow the day to unfold as it needed.
Which, I clearly needed.  My schedule was renegotiated at every opportunity!  When I found myself passing time in a book shop (bookshops always have an awesome effect on my state of mind) I got a fleeting but clear message that there is no such thing as a waste of time.  Everything is just happening in time, as it needs to. The appointment I was waiting in the bookshop for was at four.  I got there on time, centred in the moment, and yes, I do believe I already knew that my client would not show.  I read the book I’d bought for thirty minutes, making intermittent calls to let my client know I was waiting and then started the traffic infused journey home.  Because of the traffic I thought I’d optimise my time by checking some emails on my phone, maybe send some text messages, so that when I got home, work for the day would be over. I pursued my thoughts and began resolving administrative peace while driving a bit, stopping and then driving some more, stopping.  At one point I had received a response from the client who’d just missed here session and as I completed my text to her, I saw my screen saver.  Once again I was filled with this wonderful feeling that we are tenderly being watched and I decided to stop multitasking and just drive.  For a moment I allowed the knowing that we are cared for and protected to fill my driving experience, I even wondered if the angels laugh or sometimes cringe at the way we behave on the road and then I returned to just driving.  It reminds me of the Japanese saying “When drinking tea, drink tea.” Just be present in what you doing basically.  Let that be enough.
Although I had all by focus on what I was doing, when the car in front of me suddenly started breaking and I consequently started breaking we both swerved an tried our best to avoid the inevitable.  I hit him at sixty kilometres per hour and the hit was so hard I saw all four heads in the car in front of me jolt forward and backwards violently.  My seat belt locked and I heard the disconcerting sound two cars make when they crash into each other. Due to the traffic, we tried to pull over to the side of the road to access the damage and exchange numbers, while drivers pulled past us hooting and swearing for the inconvenience we were causing them.  Suddenly my adrenalin rush stopped immediately and I felt a peculiar wave of peace rush through me. On the side of the road, we got out of our respective cars and there was nothing! Not a scratch, not a hint of the impact that had just shocked us all, nothing! The other driver shook his hands up at the sky and said “Somebody was watching over us!” I drove home on air.
I got out of my car, now in the safety of my own driveway and I looked at my car again.  Still nothing.  I had to phone C and tell her what had just happened.  And this is something I love about her. When I speak to her, I feel like she is right there.  C has the ability to go right into your experience with you.  She suggested that I pull an angel card, a practice I’ve abandoned for months now because I prefer to deny that part of me that sees cards and hears more than what the card is saying.  Two cards were stuck together and so I took both to be significant.  The first one read “A happy move to a new home or place of employment is in the works.  This movement will usher in positive new energy.” And the other message was “Victory! Your desires are coming into fruition.  Keep up the good work.” At that moment I noticed my nausea was gone.  Gone.  I had, as my mother would say, gotten my knickers into such a knot, that I had removed myself from the perfection and completion of the process, that it took a wake-up call, that thankfully didn’t have any serious consequences to make me see that I am enough. I am enough. I have not compromised The Baby House by not having a thousand degrees and that when I follow the guidance I allow into my space, I am enough!
I woke up on Friday still infused in the wonder of our massive lives and I felt a longing to see my folks.  I toyed with the idea the whole week on the periphery of my mind and trying to figure out how I was going to fit a sleep over at mom and dad, a birthday party, a birthday lunch, a wedding and catching up on some documentaries I’ve been dying to watch all into the three day weekend government South Africa have given us in the name of Human Rights day. I started developing a cold through the day on Friday that provided the ‘You Should’ part of my mind with the perfect alibi to take it easy. I had created the house to myself for four days, a massage and recovery time to give me what I actually needed...time away from the perfectionist who had taken up unwelcomed residence over the past couple of weeks.
After my out-of-this-world massage and a rendezvous at a new book shop on Saturday morning I headed to my folks for a sleep over.  Now I said you’d love my folks, and I’ll tell you again why.  There is no pressure essentially.  They do their thing and I can do mine and we give each other the necessary and easy attention.  So sitting on their couch on a Saturday means understanding that my mom is organising what she needs to with the nanny and the gardener and my dad is watching sport with perhaps a brother or three.  Never ever expect that at anytime you will gain more attention that the sport, you will however be brought into conversations that may or may not be relevant to you (this is how I’ve gained all the facts I have regarding sport of many natures).  But it is easy babe, once you stop competing with the telly for attention.  So I maximise this time by surfing the net, checking my emails or just playing some spider solitaire.  I get offered beers that I seldom accept, filled in with sports info and we laugh and chat in between tense times of viewing.  So whilst surfing the net I ‘accidentally’ come across a concept called ‘Citizen based Initiatives’.  As I read through the concept and ‘how to’ my vision for The Baby House as a community project is put into words. This is the point where I wept a couple of tears of wonderment.   My vision wasn’t an act of stubbornness; it is an actual concept, a reality!  C & I are not naive chicks trying to do things the hard way, our vision is rich and reciprocal and rewarding.  The perfectionist packed her bags and left.  She has no place with the fear she brings.  We can trust ourselves even if we don’t have the frikken degree that says we are qualified, we have enough between the two of us to have brought the project thus far.  And we have enough to make it unfold just as we see it every day in our minds’ eye. The website didn’t offer us anything new; we have everything in place they suggest.  In the marketing section the talk about using the voice of your local and national media, we had it before we knew it was exactly what we needed!
So I changed my agreement to be at the one birthday party and the wedding, just so that I can take this all in.  The perfection and beauty of it all!
So would it be nice if you could be with me now...sure.  But I know that you’ll be here when you are.  And in the meantime there is nothing I need to do to make that happen.  Otherwise I would be signed up in ‘The wife degree’.  Trust me!
I love you wherever you are,
Goodnight love!

To My Future Husband- Letter 13

Hello darling,

What an amazing weekend, a time of rich realisations.  C & I spent the entire day on Friday and the better part of Saturday organising and boxing all the goods that have been donated to The Baby House thus far.  It was incredible to see how much we have collected so far, I could barely sleep on Friday night I was so excited for our beautiful vision that is unfolding in front of our very eyes!  This process was not just about a recon, it was about physically touching the produce of our dream and realising the power of compound wealth.  Compound wealth?  You know when you make a little contribution everyday it adds up to something, well, mind blowing!  I am so inspired by the power of community!

A friend was a little anxious to take her girls to a birthday party where she wasn’t sure who she’d know. It turned out that she knew a couple of people she actually hadn’t seen for years and they knew some people in her life and of course they had the party-thrower in common.  This just reminded me that our network is connected to so many networks; and when the day comes that we through huge fundraisers, our guests will realise that they know the same people, they will reunite with long-gone friends and make new ones.  At the centre of this will be The Baby House, the generation that is our focus and responsibility. Together we are very powerful!

We all need other people in our lives, no matter who we are or what we are trying to achieve.  The theme going around and around in my mind and experience lately is how everything we need, want and desire is right here.  It requires courage to see it, forgoing the fear that it’s going to be mundane or not what we want. Or worse, that we daren’t think of ourselves as fabulous enough to realise what we dream.  I went out on a limb today and told a friend something that is obvious to me, but somehow manages to elude him, and I’ve witnessed him search for his genius for years now.  My fear of telling him was so silly, I thought that if I was generous of spirit with him that he’d think I wanted something from him and that I was attempting to flatter him in exchange for a higher opinion of me.  This, as I said was silly, because I was withholding something great that I could see in him due to my own fears around what other people think my motivations might be.  I am a great teacher of a very wise saying: “What you think of me is none of my business.”  And it is so true that what you teach is what you must learn.  This is a good example of fearing one’s power hey?  So we don’t only need other people in our lives, but we need people who are courageous enough to give us back to ourselves.  I would not be where I am in my life if I didn’t have so many people courageously acknowledge what is powerful and true in me enough times for me to start trusting what is powerful and true about me.  By the time we are adults, we have so many shitty beliefs about ourselves and the gift of new and deep relationships is they undo all the shitty things we’ve come to believe. 

I didn’t grow up with a family that gush compliments and encouragement.  Flattery was present but never helpful.  I’m gaining more and more confidence in being generous with my own spirit and trusting myself enough to know that it will be received as flattery by some and life changing to others, but my responsibility is just to say what feels true to me.  I can’t say that I always know exactly what it is that I do or say that has an effect on some one’s life, what I do know is that when I show up honestly and follow that which I feel compelled to be, it has brought more healing than hurt.

I trust that you are exactly where you need to be and that we are journeying toward each other every day that my heart remains open to you.

Sleep tight!

Your wife.

To My Future Husband- Letter 12

Now Husband,

Please don’t judge me for having a life changing realisation learned from watching a completely engrossing and somewhat overly-dramatic tv series.  I believe in giving credit where credit is due, so I’m not going to pretend that an intentionally scripted line didn’t cement something that has seemed a little elusive to my understanding of what I seek in a life partner.

I know why I’d marry you.

Yesterday Dibs and I had lunch, and as always we discussed (debated would be more accurate as we often seem to come from such different perspectives) love.  Well we didn’t really talk about love directly, we spoke about how we each thought our relationships would need to be to keep us interested and committed for years. And although I have the capacity to know that Dibs is a separate person from me, after leaving lunch with him I argued in my mind with his vision of a love relationship.  I wasn’t thrown by his connection to his own needs and fantasies as much as I was thrown my mine.  I suddenly couldn’t put into words an argument for what or even why I would want a relationship to be a certain way, what my life partner would need to be like or allow me to be because everything that came out of either of our mouths was so obviously hypothetical to me.  I didn’t argue for love, for consistency, for freedom, individuality or commitment.  And I couldn’t take a stance against his theory that there will be a level of hate and resentment where there is love.  Which in itself is miraculous because I can give a five minute monolog without taking a breathe on how peaks and troughs of apparent love and hate has nothing to do with actual love but is co-dependency and the need for drama coupled with projection and the misplacement of need dressed up as love.  No, I didn’t.  I wasn’t even disappointed that someone who I have much love for wasn’t necessarily seeking happiness for himself in a long term relationship.

I have been very busy lately, so I continued my busy day, and the conversation with Dibs, even though he wasn’t actually a fellow converser or even physically present, for the rest of yesterday and even returned to it for split moments through today.  My perplection (sorry, for making up my own word, but the dictionary or at least my spell check should consider some expansion) had nothing to do with my good mates view on love, it had to do with all the theories we have on relationships, which is completely useless when looking back honestly on past times of love.  None of mine has been check-list relationships and they’ve been satisfying, loving, fun and well, perfect for that time.  None of them happened because I knew what I wanted and was ready for a relationship.  And none of them ended because my partner stifled or disappointed my vision of love.  So, very untrue to my character, I found myself at a loss for words discussing one of my favourite topics...love.

I had a great day, in fact I’ve had a great week because I am realising a dream as it is unfolding and every moment is delicious, every moment is allowed to be celebrated because it is the most thrilling journey to be in!  I have been sleeping less than I think I’ve ever slept, because I’ve never felt this alive, or this connected with my life.  The more in life I am, the harder I am finding it to talk about life because words fall short, thoughts are laboursome because you can only express one at a time and keeping quiet and feeling each minute unfold into exponential power is something I don’t mind not having to describe to anyone else.  I just smile a lot.  So when talking on a beautiful level is what I love best, it was a little strange to find the thought of contemplating how love would need to be in future to keep our attention, pointless.  Not to be confused with useless thought, because our lunchtime ‘relationship’ conversation added a fascinating dimension to my client session after lunch. I didn’t sit with a fantasy or opinion on love, which ironically helped my client clarify so much in her relationship, and I still have no idea how she got there from our chat...but she did.  Thank you Providence!

After a day of pretty hard physical labour, I copped out of a social arrangement for a night of mind-numbing American drama, only to get an answer to the question running around backstage for the past 30 hours.  I’m not going to marry you because you are financially stable, well-read, fit, non-addicted etcetera, etcetera.  I’m not going to love you for being romantic and genius at being completely in sync with me.  In fact my decision to couple with you is going to come from a place that has little to do with me, though I can’t deny that I will benefit greatly from it.

I will marry you, because you like who you are.

X

To My Future Husband- Letter 11

To My Future Husband- Letter 10

Morning Baby!

You don’t need to feel any pressure to complete me, I come to you fairly intact and with a deep sense of purpose and belonging already.  I bring with me the ability to be in love with life, independent of our relationship.  Today I can feel life running through me, and my vision for this life is shining through me.  You know why I’m here babe?  I’m here to inspire greatness!  Greatness in everyday life is overlooked way too much, which leaves a lingering pain of lack and struggle.  I am a committed searcher, guiding other searchers to find fulfilment.  However the word ‘searcher’ is very misleading in that it implies one end result, one sense of completion at the end of the longest journey.  I see my searching differently.  It is searching that allows me to collect pieces to a picture that is always complete, it just gets bigger and added to with every new realisation.

From this perspective, there are no ‘holes’ or ‘missing pieces’ and most importantly...there is no waiting!  For many years I have felt a you-shaped hole in my heart.  In fact anyone who has left my life seemed to take their little shape in my heart with them....apparently.  Today I set that record straight because to walk around with holes in ones heart makes for patchy-living and painful waiting.

I didn’t necessarily wake up feeling this way this morning.  I woke up feeling a little bleak in fact.  There was however, a little gap between feeling bleak and an opportunity to feel different.  I wrote down my vision for different aspects of my life.  I looked at how I saw my life in 5 years time.  I wrote about what I do want because the little bit of bleakness I felt this morning, I’ve felt before and it tends to natter on about what I don’t  want...not helpful!  There was no actual reason to feel bleak except for an empty space in my day due to a client postponing.  From experience I have learned that just keeping myself busy to avoid feelings of boredom and fear of not contributing enough to my projects, is not productive or inspiring in any way!  I contemplated in our beautiful garden how many people feel stuck or bored because there is a sense of being trapped in life as we know it.  And then I thought...what a load of bullshit!!  This is not my truth!  This is not what I have spent the last 15 years studying, living and researching.  I don’t even like thinking this thought! This is not the truth at all!

I know how we got here though.  I know how I take myself there with thoughts of bleakness being in charge, by the mere fact that I’m in a habit of thinking them!  But what about the evidence in my life of moments of greatness?  Why don’t I count them and hold them in a more prestigious place by focussing on them?  I chatted to you last week about feeling like something wasn’t in my life, I think it was intimacy that I was lamenting about on that particular day.  And my words weren’t even chilled by the air yet when one phone call from a friend brought my attention to the reality that I have incredibly deep and intimate relationships with many, many people in my life.  In fact I don’t do any other way of relating to people, or myself.  I had spun a web of lies around me about being fearful of intimacy, not being able to be in a committed relationship, until...and you could have blown me over with a feather, I realised that there is no other way for me to be with another.    I had relegated myself to the “Incapable of connecting” team without opening my eyes to the obvious!  So my point is that often we are so busy regurgitating a sad, sad story that the delightful presence of our deepest desires goes unseen.  This does not equate to the absence of our dreams and hence our unworthiness to have them.

So yes, this morning the opportunity to slip into the possibility of connecting with the beautiful experience of life we crave all day while listening to our habitual crap about how difficult it is to have the life we want, I looked up to the sky and I was jolted into a reality that was so perfect, so rich with life, so incredibly beautiful and my heart cracked open into a feeling of being in love and life poured in.  Without any words or visions a knowing exploded in me that reminded me of the completion of my life.  It reminded me of talents and gifts that I have sitting in my heart’s storeroom waiting to be used and developed.  One of which is my understanding of the possibility of each of us to dance to the rhythm of our greatness.  Although I have years of reading and experience behind me, none of this is of any value with my heart shut and my thoughts left to their own devices.  Because left unattended, my thoughts are going to take the easy road, they going to repeat the thoughts they’ve thought the most and ignore the glaring opposite thoughts because new thoughts might conjure up new thoughts and  new experiences that require unfamiliarity to come for tea. 

I’m not sure why it is almost an organic experience to live in familiarity. It certainly isn’t a pleasurable ride!  And uncertainty is not the worst house guest to have around.  Within seconds of inviting this unattractive guest in a new world opens up that brings not only relief but reassurance that our biggest dreams and desires are not only possible but inevitable if we just stay tuned into this station a little longer and tune in again tomorrow and the next day!

So I come to you whole babe.  I don’t have a list of activities I have to carve out of our time together so that I can feel filled-up enough to give on the level that feels inspiring to me.  I just have to remember to keep my heart open and to let life in.

In the moment everything I need shows up

I love you,

Me. x

To My Future Husband- Letter9

Hi Hon,

So I survived Valentine’s day, it wasn’t too bad once I resolved not to listen to the radio for the day so I wasn’t privy to strangers publically describing their romantic lives.  I know it’s a bit pathetic for a woman of my calibre to be jealous of strangers, it should be beyond me right?  I got wished happy Valentine’s day though by three little boys, in fact they made me a book mark, which really warmed my heart that they know how much I love reading.  It’s one of those wooded sticks the doctor uses to check out your red tonsils, with a heart stuck to the top.  It’s very sweet and it will last longer than a card they might have made for me, that I’d probably use as a book mark which would probably fall in the bath when I was reading and get thrown away a lot sooner than my designer hand-made book mark.  Our gardener was the first to wish me happy Valentine’s day, and then our local coffee shop owner, who C, the other founder of the Baby House and I frequent for the great coffee and free wi-fi.  So it was a nice day, just because it was a nice day.

This morning as I was awakening a got a whisper in my ear.  I’m not sure what else to call the insights I get at that time of day, a message from a part of me that isn’t my mind, but that I hear anyway?  Call it what you like, but the quality of these whispers are different to ‘an idea’ or ‘a plan’.  They normally have a sense of being quite profound mixed with a ‘use it don’t use it’ kind of a vibe. I’m not explaining it well, which doesn’t reduce any relevance, so I’ll get on with my point.  The whisper was that if I saw myself as divine, I’d be able to accept another loving me with all their being.  Like I said, profound!  Because I was still awakening my monkey mind didn’t even argue, my planner didn’t exalt with satisfaction for receiving the answer, I merely continued waking up.

Then in the shower I asked the ethers to illuminate the invisible cloak around me.  Oh wait a sec, before I got out of bed I pondered the thought that I’m not inherently undesirable, but that I have many thoughts that make me believe I’m undesirable.  In some way this settled my ‘waiting for you’ feeling because I knew in that moment that essentially I am ok, and I’ll get to you some day.  So back to the shower, I asked the ethers for guidance.  That’s the way I roll.  When I’m seeking something, anything, I ask for it to come my way.  Most of the guidance comes to me, and in many cases it is people or through people that I am granted the answers I seek.  Like with setting up the Baby House, everything we’ve realised we need access to like a lawyer, an accountant, information around a thousand details have come to us once we’ve said...”This is what we need”.  It really is fun love and this is a large part of what adds to my aliveness and mover-shaker energy.  The unanswered requests are the ones that I think I have an opinion about their level of difficulty in manifesting.  Like you and money for my personal life.  Both of which we have introduced and will get back to many times in this conversation, but I digress.

So I asked for insight into all the thoughts that hold me back from a loving relationship.  Whilst washing my hair I thought of how painful it will be when my folks died.  I’m not scared of my own death, I think.  But I’m fearful of other’s leaving.  In that moment a massive fear came up.  I’m scared of you dying, I’m scared of being left...before I’ve even met you!  Now I know I’ve had this thought before, but a different perspective came through this very morning.  Accompanying that thought was a memory of something I’d read recently, that our fear of death reveals our fear of life.  The significance of remembering that showed me the fabric of my invisible cloak.  You see, I think my biggest fear came true nearly ten years ago.  Or perhaps it’s become a fear because it was such a massive pain.  You see in high school my focus wasn’t really on boys because I wanted to make sure I gave myself every opportunity to make a good future for myself, one which involved not falling pregnant before I was educated and stable.  So when my best friend Mandy and I made a truce in early high school to keep our virginity till we matriculated it was so aligned with my need to keep my future bright and full of opportunities that it was a promise I found easy to keep.  My relationship focus in high school was with my best friend and our wider circle of friends, which included my brother and his friends.  Mandy and I were very close; we shared our dreams and our day-to-day dramas.  We started working in high school which took us out of our non-working friend’s social life of weekend parties and put us in a different social life that involved waitressing and socialising after work with work friends.  It gave us the edge in a relatively working/middle class community and together we felt like we were carving one hellava bright future.  We had cash saved by the time we finished school to buy out first clap-down set of wheels, we could pay a large portion of our university fees, we could take gap years and backpack all because we started earning money at the age of fifteen.

Nine years and three months ago Mandy committed suicide.  My heart literally broke.  I didn’t even know it had broken or what a broken heart actually entailed.  It wasn’t nights of mellow-dramatically missing an ex-boyfriend.  It became fear.  Fear of being left.  And then it became numb.  I can’t be left if I’m numb, I can’t be left if I don’t make plans with anyone, I can’t be left if I never connect with you and dream a future.  This experience in the context of many other hurts, I think may have created a significant part of my invisible cloak.  Of course my psychologically learned mind would speak differently claiming to have ‘processed’ all that.  But the fact that my chest aches when I write this all to you, tells me a different story.  It was such a shock when Mandy died, I felt like she hadn’t even given me a clue.  How could you share the deepest part of your hearts with each other for more than ten years, through some hectic times, and not know that one of you was planning to die.  Just before she died I had my first psychic experience in that I sat next to a man and I ‘saw’ his whole life.  Well maybe not his whole life, but I saw themes in his life, blocks, pain he hadn’t processed coupled with his desire to move forward, his hidden talents and possible healing to bridge his current situation with his dreams.  This moment was powerful for him and I as I shared with him what I saw. When I walked away I couldn’t feel my feet, I felt as if I was gliding.  Now at that time I was  three years into my psychology course, I had a psychic experience under my belt, so you could understand my anger and frustration for not even having a hint that Mandy had lost all hope in life and didn’t want to be here anymore.  It was easier to go numb.  I was devastated.

So I have remained popular and casual in my relationships.  I have bazaar back-up plans for any relationship ending. And so that is what I create, a lot of relationships ending and the fear of my family members dying.

Wow!  I didn’t expect the conversation to get so deep so quickly.  I didn’t realise this all in the shower.  I’ve been aware of how I get close, but not close. And how when I’m missing someone who is not here I philosophise it all, but I didn’t expect to feel this much pain in my chest now writing about this all.  The thought that triggered this was a frequent thought of what is it that my friends or people in my life feel when they are with me, that makes them want to be with me?  Why would someone love me, even when I hold back?  I can acknowledge that I give a lot, but it feels like I’m missing something.

Don’t go anywhere, I just want to take this call.

It’s almost silly to have just said that because I wouldn’t say I feel that as a truth all day, every day.  True to their make up, the ethers have provided another slant on this all.  A friend, who I’ve walked a long journey with as a therapist and a friend has called to let me be the first to know about a rather miraculous situation which has seemed hopeless for the last few months.  I’m the first to know because it is confidential and because it is the sum total of everything she believes I’ve taught her about faith, about the fairness in the universe and the power of integrity.  I do get close.  I in fact get very close and intimate with everyone who is in my life.  I have rich relationships and I am important in other people’s lives.  I’ve just got to stop telling myself that I’m not and allow myself to burn the plan B for when these people might leave.  Easier said than done, but you are now officially welcome into my life, even if you should decide one day that you need to leave.

I’m humbled by this moment.  I’ve always known that everything I want is right here, I just need to drop a belief and I’ll see it.  Are you right here?  Are you already in my life and I just can’t see you?

Love your wife.

To My Future Husband- Letter8

Morning love,

Happy Valentine’s day darling! You see, I can get into the spirit of things if I don’t feel excluded.  When I was in high school I felt excluded.  We had a fundraiser every Valentines where you could buy roses and chocolates and send them anonymously.  The morning of February fourteenth started with the teacher handing out these private orders and it was for the whole class to see who were the most coveted students, you know...in that way.  Don’t get me wrong, I was popular, and because of the adolescent age a little feared by the socially inept because of my popularity, but my popularity was platonic, not romantic.  And once again, because of the adolescent age, it made me feel like I was good enough for a friend, a leader and a good party, but not as a girl friend.  I suppose some night these days I still feel that when I fill the space next to me in bed with pillows so that my bed doesn’t feel empty.  Or when I sleep next to a guy friend and I say “No funny business” and they actually don’t even try any funny business.  In high school I’d get one or two roses or chocolates from either a guy friend, or a guy who felt so out of my league (you know how hierarchical high school socialising is.) that it had to be anonymous otherwise he’d suffer humiliation for making such a ridiculous gesture from my guy friends or brothers. 

Now at this stage of my life nothing much has changed.  I’m a sort after friend by women and men, and a stalked lover, by well people that would stalk.  I try not to go to that place in my monkey mind that says I have an invisible cloak around me that doesn’t allow someone like you in.  And because I’m at this stage in my life and I have good insight to my monkey mind I can’t blame it on the external factors in my life because I’ve had times when my body was in good shape for years, as was my bank account.  These coincided with happy days and a trendy hair style and I still didn’t attract you to my honey pot.  So I’m left with two options it seems, either you are exactly where you need to be, and it is just a matter of time before we meet and make a happy couple who has a happy family.  Or, there is indeed a big sign on my forehead that says ‘Stay away from this chick’.  Because I’m in a good mood and it’s not bleak-week, I’m going to choose the former and try to celebrate all the tokens of love I’m bound to see today, knowing that one day we’ll be a part of this day that very publically and somewhat ostentatiously celebrates romantic love.

Happy Valentines love!

To My Future Husband- Letter7

Hello Husband,

I do like weekends like this...of the lazy variety!  I seem to get the things done that fill my heart, but aren’t on a ‘have to’ list.  Plus I’ve put a concerted effort into starting my eating plan even though it will only get emailed to me next week.  I can be like that, once I make up my mind about something I tend to start straight away.  The interview with the nutritionist was interesting and if her perspective is helpful it will be the unanswered questions from last year around why my body suddenly expanded rapidly and my energy dropped lower then what it’s ever been,  And it stayed there for a long enough time for me to change possibly everything in my life, except the fundamental-ness of who I am.  Dibs, who had been my closest friend went to the UK for 10 months and came home to find me quite different.  Calmer, peaceful was the word he used, which was interesting because he already thought I was quite peaceful.  He then was privy to my bleak-week in January and I’m sure he’s changed his mind!  Anyway, what was interesting about last year is that even though I felt so tired all the time, and slept a fair amount of it, I managed to be productive in retrospect.  One would think that nine months spent mainly sleeping would curb a girls output.  The difference is I didn’t do anything except the projects close to my heart, and the bare minimum amount of work to prevent any black naming.

There is a lot to be said about doing the things close to one’s heart.  Last year gave me a laser sharp perspective on prioritising my energy.  It wasn’t my first schedule culling but it was the first time instead of just cutting back, I replaced the useless and mundane with helpful and meaningful.  It was my fears that ended up pointing to my deepest beliefs about myself, and they guided me on how to prioritise.  One of my fears in that sleepy time was all the socialising I was missing out on would make me a target for gossip.  Gossip, which I’ll have you know from this beautiful position of hindsight, never happened.  The gossip in my mind was that I was lazy and disinterested.  With my weight gain my imaginary gossip extended to my inadequate ability to keep myself together...I was obviously just letting myself go?  It was probably one of the most important journeys I could make in my friendships because eventually I had to admit that my monkey mind had a life of its own, based in a bunch of insecurities completely.  The truth prevailed through the experience of concerned and sympathetic friends, friends who were able to be more compassionate than I could be to myself.  Like any lesson that is challenging, the realisation was acknowledging a truth, though years of the monkey minds work is still being undone today.  It’s better though babe and this allows you to come closer to me.

In those hours of tiredness I listened to many wise people on audio book who bring you home over and over again to the simple truths...we are loved.  This has never been allowed to permeate my heart unconditionally.  I was loved because of what I did, how I did it, how much of it I did, when I did it and to whom it was done.  Being sleepy and thus not doing the things I did and relying on others to do the things I should  have been doing added up logically in my monkey mind to not being worthy of much. I would never have said this consciously, I would have claimed to be a woman of worth, but I guess worth is not something that you have or not, it is complex, multi-facetted and applicable in every different sphere of life.  It was also a leap from conditional worth to unconditional worth.  Being a worthy citizen is quite different from knowing yourself as a being of worth.  It’s challenging to work with the latter because it just is.  My monkey mind screams at explanations like this, how can it just be? The challenge for me has become upside down, in that instead of looking for what makes me worthy, I’m on the look- out for what makes me unworthy.  If worth is a given I have to find the thoughts that hide it.  It makes for a revealing life journey, a presence every day that brings beauty.  It simply hasn’t worked for me to buy into an existence that is unworthy. 

I trust that I am worthy of your love darling, I trust that you are exactly where you need to be and I trust that meeting you will be in perfect time.  In the meantime, know that you are very loved too!

Love me. X 

To My Future Husband- Letter6

Hello Husband,

We haven’t had enough time to connect this week, I guess there will be times like this in our relationship.  It’s not for a lack of thinking about you.  You would have enjoyed being around me this week because I’ve been anything but bleak.  Yip it’s been happy days in Robsky’s world!  Well productive days would be more accurate, which makes me happy.  I can be a cheap thrill at the best of times. Progress, cleanliness and nature all provide me with satisfaction and joy that rings through my being without fail.  The Baby House feels closer and closer to opening everyday.  I can’t describe my excitement.  I’ve already started planning  my speech for our official opening, which is not that surprising taking into consideration the nature of these letters. I wonder if you’ll be there?

So Valentine’s day is approaching and I’ve been aware of a light dread in the back of my mind.  It’s because I’m a romantic at heart that has never really had a romantic boyfriend coinciding with the time of this romantic day.  So my disappointment with life translates into a mild distaste for the day when I’m single, which just happens to be the case this year. These thoughts will evaporate however when I meet you and for the record I’d expect a romantic gesture lasting for this over-commercialised 24 hours okay?  If you’re planning on arriving this year, no chocolates please as I am beginning my health plan tomorrow which doesn’t involve chocolate (or salt, wheat, diary and caffeine), so maybe cook instead of a restaurant, one can never know all the hidden dangers in restaurant food according to my very helpful nutritionist.

I’m quite tired tonight, can we have an early one?

Love.

To My Future Husband- Letter5

Morning Husband,
Are you here yet? I’m not good at waiting and I don’t judge myself on this lack of virtue, because I do not stand alone, especially here in my mother city Johannesburg, South Africa.  The Impatience Party is well attended and always pumping!  I don’t often (barring bleak-week) make my impatience known.  Even in a quiet conversation with Spirit I acknowledge that I’m trusting the process albeit uncomfortably.  I haven’t enjoyed waiting for you and my children.  Well I believe this when I look back, but if I had to add up the moments in the day that felt meaningless because you and the kids will show up in time, there are probably  five minutes of everyday.  The other twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes I do actually trust the process and I notice what the process is in that moment.  Like now, on a not-so-busy day like today, I here Spirit whispering a monolog on owning that the way I do life, relationships, feelings and thoughts, is special.  And this specialness needs to be acknowledged by me so that I can proceed.   It has been a tough week on some levels, as you know, and this whisper is a relief because it doesn’t only bring news, it takes away the fear.  I have not claimed my specialness in this way yet.  It’s a deeper sense of self-value, which has got absolutely nothing to do with comparison to others.  It’s just about manifesting what  I've healed enough to even ask for, I always have a big growth spurt when I pledge with conviction that I will allow some thing new into my life.  A precursor to this beautiful moment with the energy of life itself has been this last week, a mental video of all the fears and shitty memories I’ve had playing 24/7 in my hormonally amped psyche.  I forget that when so much is migrating through my awareness, that I am acknowledging what is leaving, not what is still ruling my life that I've therapised thoroughly in time gone by.  It was just leaving.  Thank goodness!

  So you are one of the manifestations I declared with clear conviction that I will create in my life, by making space for you in my heart, that as I’ve seen, carries much fear.  It’s not fear that can dominate my belief in life anymore, it’s fear from things that have already happened because at that time in my life I didn’t have the capacity to experience them any differently.  I’m not sure if it’s bad luck to tell anyone what your New Years wish is?  Yeah, I’m past resolutions, I’m about wishes at this stage of my life.  I agreed to living a with lightness, lightness on every level of my life.  And because I asked for this I will let every moment of this year be a step to that wish unfolding, even if it looks nothing like it.

See you later. X

To My Future Husband

So after 14 years of living by myself, I moved back home with my folks 20 month ago.  And just this weekend I moved out again, with a totally different feeling than I did at 18 years old.  Strangely enough I felt more comfortable(ignorant) about the financial side of life 16 years ago.  I’m not scared though, I wonder if a part of me did less because less was required?  I don’t know and I’m not interested in answering that right now.  I feel closer to you somehow, like I’m more in the vicinity of you.   Time will tell I guess.  I was chatting with my fabulous friend Dibsy this morning about the importance of moving out of the family dynamic.  As much as there is definitely an abundance of love in my family dynamic, there is something silent that takes hold of us within these relationships.  I was not well in the time that I lived with my folks, months of fatigue and then lymph problems that also messed with my mobility.  I will be eternally grateful to my parents for supporting me in so many ways without making an issue of it.  We did so much healing without any official healing plan or conversation.  I had so many useless, but nasty beliefs about my relationship with each parent that I needed to shift.  This process could only have occurred as it did, I don’t think any amount of therapy could have provided more insight that experience itself.  That chapter is done and as I said.  I feel closer to you now.

That said, i am however still in my bleak-pms-week.  It’s not all sold down the river, just a lot of work to be how I normally feel.  Maybe how I normally feel is overrated?  Wait I take that back, that is just the sneaky way my underachiever convinces me that it is okay to mainline sugar, replace love with cereal and sleep in because its ‘ok’ to not exercise/eat healthy/ be polite to drivers in my bleak-week.  These are all moment which I give up the dream of you and I in favour of something that is 60% sugar 40%fat 100% chocolate.  And I don’t only substitute you with food and alcohol (which by the way is a deadly combination and often leads to emotional hysteria), I also substitute you with permission to buy what I want if spare cash is to be had or a marathon of whichever series I happen to get my hands on (also a dangerous combination, mellow drama + mellow drama = ‘I think I should change my life drastically’)  How does it go so pear-shaped babe?  A normally well adjusted, disciplined, consistently optimistic and grounded chick, for one week every couple of months turns into an anxious, fearful, sugar-hungry maniac???

I have still been successful though, as hard as it may seem to believe.  I’ve secured another 2 people as sponsors for The Babyhouse.  I was wondering last night, in a fleeting calm moment, is much of this unfamiliar anxiety is a part of a process in which my psyche is aligning itself to open and run a place of safety for children, actually babies.  I can’t see how it wouldn’t at least be lending itself to a prep session from the gods, isn’t that what life is, preparation and resolve?  Maybe that would be a little cynical.  Manny and I were just discussing the miracle of life that we are distracted from by organised religion.  Shoo!  The benefit of having a monolog is that I can make sweeping unqualified statements like that and continue conversing without being muted by some ones offense.  You’ll get to know Manny, my dad’s best friend, he’s a non-blood uncle to all of us.  Great to philosophise with, if being offended is something you’ve moved past or at least able to conceal very well in his company.  Especially if there are brother’s around!  Oh, yes brothers, did I mention I have 3 of them?  All big in body and opinion?  Don’t be intimidated my babe, they are simple...beer and food, and don’t show them too much of your metro sexual, sensitive side – ( it just makes you a soft target) kind of guys. 

I look forward to you meeting my family, I also have a sister and brother-in-law in Aus.  With whom I’m actually very close.  The three of us lived together for a couple of years, which really worked for my sis and I, but I can guarantee that when her and I both synchronised with the moon and our bleak-weeks coincided I think he wished he had never met either of us.  He is too nice to say this about my sister, as there are consequences to husbands who say such things about wives, no matter how true they are.  Take note please.

I do think this is going to be a lucky week though, not that you’ve been affected by my hormonally jacked-up system, but fellow drivers have indeed suffered.  Babe, the strange thing is I don’t lose it and get all pissed off with them.  Oh no, I take on none of the anger, I merely show unnecessary disrespectful gestures their way (if you are not South African, let me explain that this is the Achilles heal of most South Africans, they are obsessed with being respected and have this crazy concept of ownership on the road.  It is MY lane and MY turn and MY MYMY). So the best way to get even is to make out like you learned to drive in Luanda where there are no traffic lights (if you are South African, no robots) let alone a complete road or official stop street or the concept of ‘everyone takes turns’.  Turns?  Life’s to frikken short to take the time for you, then you, then me.  So anyways these silly fools who fail to even catch my attention outside of bleak-week will not even know. But somehow one less belligerent driver will count somewhere in the scheme of things.  This week is their lucky week for 3 very related reasons.  1 my bleak-week is about to culminate in an unfertilized egg vacating the premises.  An egg that I am sure, even at this stage of my life is super-healthy as I haven’t smoked anything for over 15 months and I got up at 6am this beautiful morning to walk 3km’s which I plan on cranking up to 6km’s every morning and 3 yoga classes per week.  The next two reasons, I’m sure, are also gonna add to my egg quality because I know that this is a topic close to your heart.  Event number two would be my check-up with my endocrinologist,  the incredible ambitious man whose sole purpose is to bring some sense of rationality and balance into people who are hormonally challenged.  Trust me, men fall into this category too honey!  Sure, they aren’t the majority, but I think there is a little denial going on there.  I know you may be thinking that the last week should have been less bleak if I have a doctor specifically looking after mad-man oestrogen and satan-sporn progesterone, but it’s a delicate science that takes time and patience.  How ironic??  When last did you tell a woman raging on an imbalance to be patient?  For godsakes a hormonally zen man battles at the best of time to be patient! 

The third treat for the week then would be a visit to the nutritionist, who is going to take away all my you-substitutes and give me a dream that will indeed come true with a fair deal of reverse psychology.  The same kind of chat that got me off my seventeen year road trip with my mates tobacco and occasionally, anything else grass’ish that was fun to smoke.  Luckily the chat was so convincing they both became quickly un-fun to smoke.  It’s going to have to be a strong, firm, talk with sugar, cereal and choc!  The kind that induces just a healthy amount of fear I think, because the thing is it’s not like I can give up eating (I’ve tried before in my more ambitious teen years).  There was a window period in my teenage years when that was a reality, but it past,  along with ability to pull all-nighters twice a week.

So much promise is in the air my love.  Moving out of mom and dad has indeed brought a newness and long may it last!  You are going to love them too, they are so chill I pinch them every now and then to make sure they still alive, only joking!  They will be nothing but lovely and harmless to you, because they are not your parent.  As will your parents seem to me, unless they are overbearing.  A detail we will deal with when we get there.

How was your day babe?

Your wife. X

To My Future Husband

Husband,

I said it quite flippantly the other day, but I was more serious than I care to admit, which is what I’m about to do.  I am in such a familiar place, which should breed comfort, but it never is comfortable.  It comes with over emotionality and fear so difficult to process that it just sits in my chest like a massive block of ice.  It gives me that freezer burn feeling in my chest and of course heartburn.  I feel like I have a stitch in my chest but I’m too frozen to cry.  I also know that crying doesn’t solve anything.  The strangest logic applies with this confession.  I am angry with you for not being here with me now.  So very angry!  I have to stress all alone, figure this all out by myself.  And I’m pissed with you, pissed with me that it is years later and I’m still facing life by myself.

Okay the last sentence is not true in reality, I’m not alone, but it feels like the truth when I’m fearful.  The frustrating part is the fear andpanic.  Nature has an unappreciated sense of timing in my personal circadian rhythms.  I’m always premenstrual at the end of the month.  From a practical perspective (an rare participant in these circumstances), I suppose I get all of my stress and irrationality out in one week, freeing up the other three weeks of the month for optimism, peace, faith, love and joy.  But we are not there now.  Now, at this point of Luna’s ebb or flow, we are in the fearful, frustrated, despairing  part of the cycle that is so saturated it takes three weeks of bliss to balance it.

Getting back to the point though, you aren’t here now.  And I’m scared that you never will be.  I sort of don’t blame you.  A nine month bout of exhaustion last year, coupled with permissive eating and a water retention problem has left me 20kg’s out of shape.  My body gets most of the blame for you not being here when she is overweight.  I tell her that she scares you off, hiding the part of me that is the fire flare for you, boldly pointing out my position in this sea of women you need to sift through to find me.

I don’t imagine that this would be the week in the month that we’d have a ‘love at first sight’ experience.  No.  This is my week for doing the swing with my emotions, where I am swimming so deeply in a lake called ‘me’ that you wouldn’t see me from the banks. My mood is deflated, my body inflated (mother nature can be so cruel!) and for some reason I tell myself that if you were her, or my father was wealthy or God a little kinder, I wouldn’t be here.  I’ve always cringed when my mother expresses stereotypical generalisations about men, but I may actually have to take ownership now of my disappointment in men and masculine energy, my blatant blaming of anything ‘guy’ for me not feeling at my best.  If someone had of accused me of this I would have denied it.   It is a shocking revelation.

Have a good day love. X

Letter to my Future husband

Wouldn’t it be nice if you were sitting having breakfast with me now?  This sentence is not an organic one, but man-made on recommendation from a self-help/law of attraction audio book.  Apparently saying this sentence aligns my energy so beautifully with your energy as I spend a moment experiencing you with me now.  Because, after all the feeling is the prayer hey?  Asking for you to be here means I feel lack, whereas having a quick fantasy of you being here just confirms the inevitable, as if I’m a wizard living my life backwards.  Know what I mean?  Well it would be nice if you were having breakfast with me and I look forward to the many breakfasts we’ll share.

 I hope you don’t mind, but our breakfast today was not destined to just be the two of us, my friend Linx who is on a bit of a losing spell with domestic pets joined me for our usual spontaneous catch ups.  “Coffee on the couch?”  came her sms.  I do love my life!  Although there is the occasional financial stress, (which by the way I see you as a financial vision of stability and abundance and the end of any financial concerns in my life!!!), I always have an abundance of time whilst still having a productive and colourful day.  Most of the time I manage to slip in a coffee and pep talk with a mate in the day.  Some days I only manage to slip in an increment of work-work, but I consider my networking and building it as vital to my current and upcoming position in this community.  Impressed?  Don’t worry, I don’t anticipate that you just gonna swallow my BS.

So yes, indeed it would be wonderful if you were here today.  You’d get the best of me!  I’m in a particularly festive mood, optimism is but the canvas of my cherry disposition.  You know the mood I get into when I feel that everything is going my way and it is not only safe to trust my hunches, but unnecessary to ever, ever doubt them again?  I get like this when I have recently tasted the confirmation that life supports me and I thus can support my life, my dreams and projects etc.  It’s a little bit different to when I’m scratching the bottom of the hat looking for the frikken rabbit.  That is when I go into a zone that if you and I had met already, I firstly wouldn’t be in this position, and secondly, wouldn’t be doing it ALONE!  I know, very dramatic, but in moments like that I swim deep in abandonment. I do of course know that I will have the realisation one day that my financial situation has pretty little to do with you.  An outsider at this time might well say it is obvious as (whisper) you aren’t here yet, and my unstable emotionally abusive relationship with money is, but at least I can blame it on you not being here surely?

The good mood is a product of quite a few exciting progressions, which you’ll notice I keep a steady supply of in my life.  C and I are opening our bank account for The Baby House this afternoon.  This is not just a formality, but a milestone.  It means that we have jumped through the necessary hoops of registration, creating sufficient belief to set up a committee and fundraised sufficiently to have some cash to actually open the account with.  Most excitingly, it means that there is a designated place, in our name, that monthly dedications can flow into so that we can open our place of safety for babies....it is a big one babe!  And I’m walking into this next chapter armoured with enough faith to move mountains.  I secretly think that my faith in life is something you’ll find attractive initially and essential eventually.  My faith isn’t blind, it is based on a complex inner language of feelings and senses that I can’t really explain to anyone, but over the years have learned to read like my mother tongue.

Your wife. X

To My Future Husband

Dear Husband,

Was that you in my dream last night?  I hope so, you were everything I’d want, although the dream really centred around us having sex, you can tell a lot about a man by a sexual encounter.  You were indeed pleasing, in charge, respectful and responsible.  Quite different to my last few encounters which have had more of a desperate-passionate-we-only-live-once energy about them.  You mentioned our future and savoured the moment and would not tolerate an interruption, I liked that.  You were from Germany, slender, tall and mature in the emotional sense.

Yesterday C  and I were chatting about dating ‘at this stage of life’, commonly known as 33 years old.  I don’t think she meant to say it like that.  Just like parents, particularly first timers, don’t mean to obliterate your life into insignificance and hold it there until one day god willing you’ll have a child.  C, being married for 8 years now, added a fear that didn’t really exist , for me,around you.  She said, “I’m sure at this stage in your life you probably worry if someone could be in a relationship with you and not irritate you, because you must be so set on your path and established in your life purpose.”

I must say husband, I took it as a compliment to a certain extent.  To be 33 years old and acknowledged for not only knowing that I have a purpose, but being seen to be deeply established in it is a compliment, don’t you think?  I don’t really want to take on a new fear, as I have spent the last 8 years weeding out the fears from the darkened corners of my heart; current; and past lives and my ancestral lines; that may prevent you coming into my life.  So I’d really hate to adopt what I’m begging to think was merely a harmless comment.  I doubt whether you’d find me inaccessible so far down my path of purpose anyway, I don’t think you’d look for me anywhere else in fact!

Wifey.