To my future Husband - Letter13

Hello my husband,
Wouldn’t it be nice if you were here with me now?  Yes, it would indeed! It’s a rainy Sunday night before a public holiday so chillaxing is in the air. I know it’s been a while since I’ve connected with you and so there is much to reveal as it has not been times of idleness. Oh no, by now you must know that when I go quiet it is because I’m captivated by the journey I’m on.
It’s obviously been a little rough at times, hence my silence. You’ll realise this about me, when I feel unsure of myself I go into overdrive, only to come out of t realising that overdrive was completely unnecessary and unhelpful.  Mind you, you’re taking your sweet time in coming into my life, so maybe I would have mastered it by then and you’ll just have this perfectly well-lessoned wife at your side...ha!ha!
I love to notice the divine synchronicity in life.  Sometimes it is in the actual moment and sometimes in hindsight.  The more painful lessons to go through are the ones where revelation come after the fact.  But the challenge is nonetheless invigorating because I suppose a part of me always knows that eventually I will see the perfection of the process.  The last couple of weeks I’ve held out for that moment and it was so sweet when it arrived I was moved to tears by the beauty in the way things unfold.
So The Baby House continues to grow step by step.  C & I obviously are witnesses and players in every tasty step of this project because it gives us the energy and sustenance to keep on going.  I realise that we will never quite be able to express to other just how incredible this journey is, but I guess it is for us, to feed us so that we can be who we are and who we will need to be in future.  We already marvel at the divine sequence of events as if we’ve been let into some of the secrets of the world, shown to those who dare to act on their dreams.
We opened our donation lines for financial contributions a week ago, and almost instantly I felt the fear pour into my veins in the chilling, icy way fear takes up residence in one’s whole body.  My anxiety was surrounding the issue of marketing.  We have the vision, we have a house promised to us, we have most of the goods we’ll need to furnish and equip the house, but what we don’t have is the connection and communication with our community. The cunning thing about fear, once again in hind sight, is that it blinds you to any progress or positive input that is actually occurring and holds you ransoms until you have solid evidence that you are once again in safe territory, for me, that is overwhelming confirmation that I am on the right track.  For some reason, when in the grip of fear my default page is perfectionism, which damnit how hard do I need to make life for myself.  I’m grappling with an area of my life that is unfamiliar and I opt for perfection as a source of security??!!? So if I had’ve asked you a week ago “Wouldn’t it be nice if you were here with me now?”  Your response, forgivably would have been “Hell no!” I was a nightmare unto myself.
One of the self help guru’s says that the most intimate relationship you have is with your own thoughts.  This is where my nightmare lay, deep inside of me.  I was trying to reconcile my vision with the reality and the perfectionist voice was translating this into personal lack.  Stubbornness to many voices telling us to just get corporate and international sponsorship, when my vision was that this is a community project and everything we need lies in our community.  Impatience, with my lack of just knowing the language of marketing.   Frustrated, that I didn’t do some formal training in marketing...I mean who tries to even do business without ‘branding’ and ‘marketing’ behind them in this Jo’burg day and age?And the pressure of an imagined time limit.  Despite the fact that between C& I we had accumulated a Public Service announcement from a nation television station; offer to produce from a reputable producer; advice from a marketing director of one of the biggest media companies in our country; and a connection with our local paper to do an advert.  My focus couldn’t see what we were doing was nothing short of amazing and insightful for two people who have never really played the marketing game.  I just felt nauseas and inadequate.  Well the universe had a plan to slap me back into the beautiful truth of our reality, because as sensitive as I can be to the ethers...I was way off track!
So honey, a couple of months ago I felt inspired to paint a picture.  As I do not have a degree in painting, I don’t really consider it anything I’d give up my day job for, but anyway for my own pleasure I painted a picture of an angel looking down and watching.  When I paint I go into a beautiful space and the picture seems to paint itself.  Another reason I don’t take credit for my painting.  This particular painting fills me with a peaceful feeling when I look at it.  I want to hang it above the babies changing compactum in The Baby House when we open. This past Thursday morning when I was getting dressed this picture caught my attention and the overwhelming feeling that the angels are indeed watching, filled me. I took a photo of it with my phone and changed the picture of the incredible orchids that E & I were given on New Years in Thailand with my angel painting. Even thought the nausea from my unconscious, subconscious and very conscious fear had prevented me from feeling any kind of peace or reprieve for the past few days, this picture added an air of willingness to allow the day to unfold as it needed.
Which, I clearly needed.  My schedule was renegotiated at every opportunity!  When I found myself passing time in a book shop (bookshops always have an awesome effect on my state of mind) I got a fleeting but clear message that there is no such thing as a waste of time.  Everything is just happening in time, as it needs to. The appointment I was waiting in the bookshop for was at four.  I got there on time, centred in the moment, and yes, I do believe I already knew that my client would not show.  I read the book I’d bought for thirty minutes, making intermittent calls to let my client know I was waiting and then started the traffic infused journey home.  Because of the traffic I thought I’d optimise my time by checking some emails on my phone, maybe send some text messages, so that when I got home, work for the day would be over. I pursued my thoughts and began resolving administrative peace while driving a bit, stopping and then driving some more, stopping.  At one point I had received a response from the client who’d just missed here session and as I completed my text to her, I saw my screen saver.  Once again I was filled with this wonderful feeling that we are tenderly being watched and I decided to stop multitasking and just drive.  For a moment I allowed the knowing that we are cared for and protected to fill my driving experience, I even wondered if the angels laugh or sometimes cringe at the way we behave on the road and then I returned to just driving.  It reminds me of the Japanese saying “When drinking tea, drink tea.” Just be present in what you doing basically.  Let that be enough.
Although I had all by focus on what I was doing, when the car in front of me suddenly started breaking and I consequently started breaking we both swerved an tried our best to avoid the inevitable.  I hit him at sixty kilometres per hour and the hit was so hard I saw all four heads in the car in front of me jolt forward and backwards violently.  My seat belt locked and I heard the disconcerting sound two cars make when they crash into each other. Due to the traffic, we tried to pull over to the side of the road to access the damage and exchange numbers, while drivers pulled past us hooting and swearing for the inconvenience we were causing them.  Suddenly my adrenalin rush stopped immediately and I felt a peculiar wave of peace rush through me. On the side of the road, we got out of our respective cars and there was nothing! Not a scratch, not a hint of the impact that had just shocked us all, nothing! The other driver shook his hands up at the sky and said “Somebody was watching over us!” I drove home on air.
I got out of my car, now in the safety of my own driveway and I looked at my car again.  Still nothing.  I had to phone C and tell her what had just happened.  And this is something I love about her. When I speak to her, I feel like she is right there.  C has the ability to go right into your experience with you.  She suggested that I pull an angel card, a practice I’ve abandoned for months now because I prefer to deny that part of me that sees cards and hears more than what the card is saying.  Two cards were stuck together and so I took both to be significant.  The first one read “A happy move to a new home or place of employment is in the works.  This movement will usher in positive new energy.” And the other message was “Victory! Your desires are coming into fruition.  Keep up the good work.” At that moment I noticed my nausea was gone.  Gone.  I had, as my mother would say, gotten my knickers into such a knot, that I had removed myself from the perfection and completion of the process, that it took a wake-up call, that thankfully didn’t have any serious consequences to make me see that I am enough. I am enough. I have not compromised The Baby House by not having a thousand degrees and that when I follow the guidance I allow into my space, I am enough!
I woke up on Friday still infused in the wonder of our massive lives and I felt a longing to see my folks.  I toyed with the idea the whole week on the periphery of my mind and trying to figure out how I was going to fit a sleep over at mom and dad, a birthday party, a birthday lunch, a wedding and catching up on some documentaries I’ve been dying to watch all into the three day weekend government South Africa have given us in the name of Human Rights day. I started developing a cold through the day on Friday that provided the ‘You Should’ part of my mind with the perfect alibi to take it easy. I had created the house to myself for four days, a massage and recovery time to give me what I actually needed...time away from the perfectionist who had taken up unwelcomed residence over the past couple of weeks.
After my out-of-this-world massage and a rendezvous at a new book shop on Saturday morning I headed to my folks for a sleep over.  Now I said you’d love my folks, and I’ll tell you again why.  There is no pressure essentially.  They do their thing and I can do mine and we give each other the necessary and easy attention.  So sitting on their couch on a Saturday means understanding that my mom is organising what she needs to with the nanny and the gardener and my dad is watching sport with perhaps a brother or three.  Never ever expect that at anytime you will gain more attention that the sport, you will however be brought into conversations that may or may not be relevant to you (this is how I’ve gained all the facts I have regarding sport of many natures).  But it is easy babe, once you stop competing with the telly for attention.  So I maximise this time by surfing the net, checking my emails or just playing some spider solitaire.  I get offered beers that I seldom accept, filled in with sports info and we laugh and chat in between tense times of viewing.  So whilst surfing the net I ‘accidentally’ come across a concept called ‘Citizen based Initiatives’.  As I read through the concept and ‘how to’ my vision for The Baby House as a community project is put into words. This is the point where I wept a couple of tears of wonderment.   My vision wasn’t an act of stubbornness; it is an actual concept, a reality!  C & I are not naive chicks trying to do things the hard way, our vision is rich and reciprocal and rewarding.  The perfectionist packed her bags and left.  She has no place with the fear she brings.  We can trust ourselves even if we don’t have the frikken degree that says we are qualified, we have enough between the two of us to have brought the project thus far.  And we have enough to make it unfold just as we see it every day in our minds’ eye. The website didn’t offer us anything new; we have everything in place they suggest.  In the marketing section the talk about using the voice of your local and national media, we had it before we knew it was exactly what we needed!
So I changed my agreement to be at the one birthday party and the wedding, just so that I can take this all in.  The perfection and beauty of it all!
So would it be nice if you could be with me now...sure.  But I know that you’ll be here when you are.  And in the meantime there is nothing I need to do to make that happen.  Otherwise I would be signed up in ‘The wife degree’.  Trust me!
I love you wherever you are,
Goodnight love!